Devotion #4:
Give
of Yourself
Luke
6:38
Give,
and it will be given to you.
A
good measure, pressed down,
shaken
together and running over,
will
be poured into your lap.
For
with the measure you use,
it
will be measured to you.
1 John
3:16-18
This is how we know what love is:
Jesus Christ laid down his life
for us.
And we ought to lay down our lives for
our brothers.
If anyone has material possessions and
sees his brother in need
but has no pity on him,
how can the love of God be in
him?
Dear children,
let us not love with words or
tongue
but with actions and in truth.
James
5:16
Therefore confess your sins to
each other and
pray for each other so
that you may be healed.
The prayer of a
righteous man is powerful and effective.
Matthew
6:21
For where your treasure is,
there your heart will be also.
Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your
heart,
For it is a wellspring
of life.
Interpersonal Check
List (ICL)[131] (Page 1 of 3)
Name:_________________________________ Person
Described:______________________
Circle
the number in front of words or phrases that would usually describe the person
1
Able to give orders 23 Considerate
2
Appreciative 24 Cold and unfeeling
3
Apologetic 25 Can complain if necessary
4
Able to take care of self 26 Cooperative
5
Accepts advice readily 27 Complaining
6
Able to doubt others 28 Can be indifferent to others
7
Affectionate and understanding 29 Critical of others
8
Acts important 30 Can be obedient
9
Able to criticize self 31 Cruel and unkind
10 Admires and imitates others 32
Dependent
11 Agrees with everyone 33
Dictatorial
12 Always ashamed of self 34
Distrusts everybody
13 Very anxious to be approved of 35
Dominating
14 Always giving advice 36 Easily
embarrassed
15 Bitter 37 Eager to get along with others
16 Big-hearted and unselfish 38
Easily fooled
17 Boastful 39 Egotistical and conceited
18 Businesslike 40 Easily led
19 Bossy 41 Encourages others
20 Can be frank and honest 42
Enjoys taking care of others
21 Clinging vine 43
Expects everyone to admire him
22 Can be strict if necessary 44
Faithful follower
Interpersonal Check
List (ICL) (Page 2 of 3)
45 Frequently disappointed 67
Kind and reassuring
46 Firm but just 68
Likes responsibility
47 Fond of everyone 69 Lack
self-confidence
48 Forceful 70 Likes to compete with others
49 Friendly 71 Lets others make decision
50 Forgives anything 72 Likes
everybody
51 Frequently angry 73
Likes to be taken care of
52 Friendly all the time 74 Loves
everyone
53 Generous to a fault 75 Makes a
good impression
54 Gives freely of self 76
Manages others
55 Good leader 77 Meek
56 Grateful 78 Modest
57 Hard-boiled when necessary 79
Hardly
58 Helpful 80 Often admired
59 Hardhearted 81 Obeys too willingly
60 Hard to convince 82
Often gloomy
61 Hot tempered 83 Outspoken
62 Hard to impress 84
Overprotective
63 Impatient with other's mistakes 85
Often unfriendly
64 Independent 86 Over sympathetic
65 Irritable 87 Often helped by others
66 Jealous 88 Passive and unaggressive
Interpersonal Check
List (ICL) (Page 3 of 3)
89 Proud and self-satisfied 112
Straightforward and direct
90 Always pleasant and agreeable 113
Stubborn
91 Resentful 114 Suspicious
92 Respected by others 115 Too
easily influenced by friends
93 Rebels against everything 116
Thinks only of self
94 Resents being bossed 117 Tender
and softhearted
95 Self-reliant and assertive 118
Timid
96 Sarcastic 119 Too lenient with others
97 Self-punishing 120
Touchy and easily hurt
98 Self-confident 121
Too willing to give to others
99 Self-seeking 122 Tries to be too successful
100 Shrewd and calculating 123
Trusting and eager to please
101 Self-respecting 124
Tries to comfort
102 Shy 125 Usually gives in
103 Sincere and devoted to friends 126
Very respectful of authority
104 Selfish 127 Wants everyone's love
105 Skeptical 128 Well-thought-of
106 Sociable and neighborly 129
Wants to be led
107 Slow to forgive a wrong 130
Will confide in anyone
108 Somewhat snobbish 131 Warm
109 Spineless 132 Wants everyone to like him/her
110 Stern but fair 133
Will believe anyone
111 Spoils people with kindness 134
Well behaved
Interpersonal Check
List Score Sheet
1. In the columns below, circle the same
numbers that you circled on the ICL Check
List. Count the number of circled items
in each row and column. Place the sum
of each row to the right, the sum of each column on the bottom. The total column and row counts should be
equal, indicating the total "Number of Items Circled" (NIC) in the
lower right hand corner.
2. Multiply sums of the rows by the number
indicated at the right. Add all the
sums, then divide by the NIC to obtain the "Average INtensity" (AIN)
of the items circled.
3. Place the totals of each column below in the
corresponding
lettered box. Then do the arithmetic
indicated.
Interpersonal Check
List Profile Sheet--Sixteenths
The
Sixteenths
Copy your sixteen column totals to the center of the
circle above marked "A" through "P." Then go from the center and place an
"X" at the number indicated by each column total. Then draw a line that connects all the
"Xs." Low scores toward the
center suggest relatively positive descriptions, and high scores suggest more
negative descriptions.
Interpersonal Check
List Profile Sheet--Dom/Lov
Dominant/Loving Scales
Copy your DOM and LOV scores in the two boxes outside the
circle. Then locate each on the two
axes of the circle. Shade in the bar
from the center of the circle to the corresponding score.
Interpretation: These two scores contain the major
information concerning how you described yourself or other party. They represent two essentially independent
aspects of your method of interaction:
dominant vs. submissive and loving vs. hostile.
Scale Score Self-Description
DOM High + I take charge, lead, persuade, control,
manage, and dominate others for my own purposes.
High ‑‑ I follow, give in, put myself down,
accommodate, obey, and submit to others in a dependent way.
LOV High + I love, comfort, spoil, protect, agree
with, forgive, and sympathize with others to get their affection.
High ‑‑ I distrust, rebel against, complain about,
resent, feel anger toward others in a self-centered way.
Some Rules
of Self-Disclosure[132]
In General: Indirect
self-disclosure happens at every moment through "how" the
helper communicates. Direct self-disclosure can signal that
the helper is "down to earth" and "honest." This can help the hurting person
disclose. Yet some people become
frightened by it, thinking the helper to be not that well-adjusted. Therefore, too much or none can signal
distrust.
Dimensions:
Self-disclosure is not an end in itself. Appropriate and relevant self-disclosure can be seen from several
dimensions: breadth (amount of info), depth
(intimacy of info), duration (amount
of time spent sharing), target person/s,
the nature of the relationship
(whether close or distant friends, work associates, authority figures, etc.),
and the situation.
1. Make sure that your disclosures are
appropriate. Appropriateness
can be seen if it helps the helpee talk, develops new perspectives or frames of
reference, helps them set realistic goals, and moves them to act. Disclosure that becomes exhibitionistic
deflects focus from the helpee to the helper.
2. Keep your disclosure selective and focused. Selective bits help the helpee focus and
find a resolution through the struggle.
Rambling stories distract, and rambling can easily become self-serving,
turning the helpee into the helper.
Focus then shifts to some unresolved
conflict within the helper.
3. Do not burden the person. The height of insensitivity is seen when a
counselor‑‑in his/her attempt to self-disclose‑‑overloads
a helpee with some previous crisis. For
instance, if a helpee says, "Hey, don't tell me your problems. I'm having a hard enough time dealing with
my own." Then up to this point in
the conversation the helper has totally ignored the burden of the person
sharing. No listening has taken
place. The helper has gotten caught up
in his/her own reminiscing, and the reminiscing has distracted the helpee.
4. Reasonable Risk. Just as a climate of trust enables you to
risk yourself, it is also true that taking a reasonable risk creates a climate
of trust.
5. Respect and Caring. These must be present to establish a
substantial and meaningful relationship.
Know who you respect and do not respect at the outset. These attitudes must be dealt with before
you can go further and will determine to some extent the depth of relationship
that can be attained.
6. Response as a Sign of Reception and
Validation. The best
response to someone's disclosure is not another disclosure, but rather some
kind of validation that the person was first heard and understood.
7. Timing:
Self-Disclosure as Emergent. Your disclosure should not be a purple spot
on a field of green. The disclosure
ought to be related to what is taking place.
8. Remain flexible. Each situation is unique. The hurting person should come first.
Formula: for self-disclosure I feel (insert feeling word) because (insert experience) .
Remember: When Love and Listening are divided by
Wisdom, Liberation results. Part of the
"wisdom" will be knowing when and how much to self-disclose in any
situation.
Self Disclosure
Exercises
The Incomplete
Sentence Exercise:[133] Sometimes it is difficult to say
something about yourself. This exercise
can be a stimulus to help you think about your interpersonal life. Finish each sentence relatively
quickly; that is, do not spend a great
deal of time thinking of what you will (or should) say. In pairs, one person start with the first
five sentences, then switch persons;
the second person takes the second set of five sentences and so forth
till completion.
1. People who love me . . . 11. I like people who . . .
2. I feel lonely when . . . 12. When someone gets angry with me, I . . .
3. Those who really know me . . . 13. When others put me down, I . . .
4. I dislike people who . . . 14. In groups I get nervous when . . .
5. I am at my best with people when . . . 15.
When someone knows the best in me . . .
6. One thing I really like about myself is . .
. 16. I get angry with another when . . .
7. I envy . . . 17. In groups, I will run away from . . .
8. Those who don't know me well . . . 18.
I feel awkward with others when . . .
9. I get hurt when . . . 19.
When sharing my values, I . . .
10. I daydream
about . . . 20. When I feel good about myself, I . . .
Self-Disclosure
Exercise: Each partner
choose a different topic from the above list and write it in the space
below. The person who started second
above should be first this time. After
writing in your topics, the first person begins to share, and the
helping/listener attempts to exhibit SOLER skills, reflection of content
skills, and reflection of feeling skills.
Summarize your responses.
Person #1 Helper
#1 Responses
Share topic:________________________ Reflection of Feeling:
__________________________________ ____________________________________________
__________________________________ ____________________________________________
Person #2 Helper
#2 Responses
Share topic:________________________ Reflection of Feeling:
__________________________________ ____________________________________________
__________________________________ ____________________________________________
Formula: for self-disclosure I feel (insert feeling word) because (insert experience) .
for reflection of feeling You seem to feel (insert feeling word